{"id":432,"date":"2018-04-09T17:04:42","date_gmt":"2018-04-09T21:04:42","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/?p=432"},"modified":"2018-04-09T17:04:42","modified_gmt":"2018-04-09T21:04:42","slug":"no-internet-good-luck-navigating-customer-service","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/?p=432","title":{"rendered":"No Internet? Good Luck Navigating Customer Service"},"content":{"rendered":"

Ted Alexander, Guest Columnist Published Asheville Citizen Times April 9, 2018<\/span>\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

I switched on my computer and discovered that I wasn\u2019t connected to the internet. I called my service provider and spent a couple of minutes pressing routing numbers before arriving at a real-life person named Russell.<\/p>\n

After confirming my identity using a mere eight-step process the CIA would find excessive, he referred to me as Alexander, not realizing that was my last name. He asked for an alternative number where I could be reached if we were disconnected.<\/p>\n

I gave it to him.<\/p>\n

We were disconnected.<\/p>\n

Russell called me on my cell phone. \u201cThis is your lucky day, Alex.\u201d<\/p>\n

He\u2019s shortened my last name. We must be approaching friendship.<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t feel lucky. Why is this my lucky day, Russ?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBecause you\u2019ve got me,\u201d he answered. \u201cI\u2019ve tested the lines and there\u2019s no issue. So we\u2019re going to solve this problem together. Let\u2019s troubleshoot.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve already done the slingshot troubleshot,\u201d I replied irritably, but secretly pleased I\u2019d invented a new tech phrase \u2014 slingshot troubleshot \u2014 something Russell could never have heard before. He\u2019d have to be a little less superior from that point forward.<\/p>\n

\u201cDid you reboot and reset after you fired the slingshot?\u201d Russ asks.<\/p>\n

What? What? He\u2019s blatantly copying my tech phrase and knows what it means. And I created it and have no idea what I\u2019m talking about. I\u2019m even more irritated. \u201cYep, at least 10 times,\u201d I lied.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow many lights on the modem, counting downward from the top, Ken?\u201d<\/p>\n

I pause.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow many lights on the modem, Ken?\u201d he repeats.<\/p>\n

\u201cI can\u2019t tell if the top light is the top light because there is a black area where the top light is unlit and I wouldn\u2019t know it\u2019s a light.\u201d It\u2019s important to be very clear to technical people.<\/p>\n

\u201cAny red lights, Tim?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, one that goes on and off.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThis is your lucky day. No outage. You need a new modem,\u201d Russ concludes. \u201cHold on while I see if you qualify for one.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWait a minute. What do you mean if I qualify for one? I pay my bill every month. That means I qualify.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHold on,\u201d Russell says.<\/p>\n

We\u2019re disconnected.<\/p>\n

My cell phone rings.<\/p>\n

\u201cThis is your lucky day, Ken. You\u2019re eligible for a new modem.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI need it now. Can I pick it up somewhere?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSorry, Tim. Not possible. We\u2019ll ship it to you for 24-hour arrival. But it\u2019s your lucky day, you\u2019ll have it on your doorstep by tomorrow, Tuesday.\u201d<\/p>\n

The modem arrived on Thursday. I hooked it up and sat down in front of my computer. It worked for five minutes until a message popped up telling me I was offline.<\/p>\n

I called my service provider. This time I spoke with Lucy. She ran tests. \u201cThe thing is, Mr. Alexander\u201d she said, “it\u2019s not your modem. There\u2019s an outage in your area. Let me see when I can schedule a technician.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cCould you try a slingshot troubleshot first?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat the heck is that?\u201d She puts me on hold.<\/p>\n

We\u2019re disconnected.<\/p>\n

Lucy calls back. \u201cThe thing is, I can get you a technician in a window from 12\u00a0a.m. to 8\u00a0a.m. tomorrow morning, Mr. Alexini.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u00a0I realize I have suddenly been reborn of Italian heritage.<\/p>\n

\u201cWow, you have a technician that works in the middle of the night?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat is correct, Mr. Alexini. We work around the clock. And the thing is there\u2019s a very good chance he won\u2019t even need to bother you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMidnight to 8 o\u2019clock? You\u2019re sure?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe thing is we\u2019re dedicated to serving you, Mr. Alexini.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell in that case, I\u2019ll take the midnight to 8 o\u2019clock time frame \u2014 that way I can begin work first thing in the morning.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re all set, Mr. Alexini. The thing is you\u2019ll get an email within an hour confirming the appointment, and your technician will text you when he\u2019s working outside.\u201d<\/p>\n

I\u2019m very pleased.<\/p>\n

No email arrives.<\/p>\n

No text arrives.<\/p>\n

No technician arrives.<\/p>\n

Next morning, I\u2019m no longer very pleased.<\/p>\n

I head out to Dunkin Donuts to eat away my sorrows. I order four.<\/p>\n

An hour later, as I head down my street, I notice a service van in my driveway. A technician is sitting in the driver\u2019s seat reading a meter. \u201cYou\u2019re good,\u201d he says. \u201cI checked all the lines.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow come you weren\u2019t here during the night?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cBecause my appointment was for this morning between 8 and 12.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWeren\u2019t you supposed to be here between midnight and 8 this morning?\u201d<\/p>\n

He stares at me. \u201cIn the middle of the night? We don\u2019t work those hours.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLucy said you did.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWho\u2019s Lucy?\u201d<\/p>\n

I explain.<\/p>\n

He reaches into his jacket pocket and hands me a business card with his name and personal phone number. \u201cNever call corporate,\u201d he says. \u201cCall me. I live a half-mile away and will stop over if you have a problem. Glad to help.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ted Alexander lives in Asheville NC.
\nHis novels are available at Malaprop’s Bookstore\/Cafe and online book retailers.
\nContact Ted<\/a>
\nLearn more about the author & novels at tedmalexander.com\/Books<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Ted Alexander, Guest Columnist Published Asheville Citizen Times April 9, 2018 I switched on my computer and discovered that I wasn\u2019t connected to the internet.<\/p>\n<\/a>","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_hide_featured_image":false,"_jetpack_featured_image_duplicate_dismissed":0,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-432","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","category-asheville-citizen-times-articles","h-entry","hentry"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7iRM4-6Y","jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/432","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=432"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/432\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":434,"href":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/432\/revisions\/434"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=432"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=432"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=432"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}