![\"Ted](\"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/10\/Ted-M.-Alexander.jpg\" "\\"Can")
<\/a>Ted M. Alexander<\/p><\/div>\n
Uh oh. I suddenly realized I had developed the world-renowned abdominal slide. You know the look \u2014 the waist of the pants is too small to extend across the mid-section, causing trousers to head south. That leaves the stomach sticking out over the top of the belt. Never, never a pretty sight.<\/p>\n
I had been in denial though several major clues surfaced.<\/p>\n
First, there was the bedroom mirror. When I stood in front of it, I had a Teletubbies\u2019 profile, which I quickly dismissed as being the result of cheap glass that was distorting my image. Kind of like what you would find in an amusement park fun house. One thing I knew for sure \u2014 I didn\u2019t resemble what was staring back at me. Chalk that up to my wife buying an inexpensive mirror. Her fault, not mine.<\/p>\n
Then a couple of months ago, I leaned over to get into an airline seat. The button on my pants, succumbing to intense pressure, fired off my waist and landed in the lap of the lady sitting next to me. She graciously picked it up and handed it back, then resumed reading the newspaper.<\/p>\n
I was embarrassed and wanted to apologize, but wasn\u2019t sure what to say. \u201cSorry, my pants exploded,\u201d didn\u2019t have the right tone.<\/p>\n
Something else, too. I was barely able to bend over to tie my shoes without losing consciousness. What\u2019s that all about?<\/p>\n
Then the horrific thought. Could I possibly be overweight?<\/p>\n
No! No! No!<\/p>\n
Yes.<\/p>\n
Here we go again, diet and exercise. I\u2019d been down that road before and it\u2019s not fun. Right away, it meant ending the six-slices-of-pizza dinner.<\/p>\n
Friends told me to begin exercising by doing laps. Laps? Everyone said the same thing \u2014 do some laps. But each had a different idea of what a lap was. To the end of a swimming pool and back was a lap. Circling an outdoor track, a lap. Running around Beaver Lake, another type of lap. Very confusing. I woke up at 2 a.m. and decided to complete my daily exercise requirement by walking around the coffee table 20 times.<\/p>\n
Next day at the office, \u201cHey, I did 20 laps last night.\u201d<\/p>\n
The response was universal. \u201cGood cardiovascular workout.\u201d \u201cNice job, man.\u201d \u201cLooking good, getting those laps done.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah, I\u2019m into it,\u201d I replied, athletically hooking a crumpled piece of paper into the wastebasket.<\/p>\n
The following night I did 30 laps. I was feeling awesome and began thinking I should consider joining some kind of team.<\/p>\n
When I tried to get back into bed, the dog was sleeping in my place, spread out, snoring. I pushed him to the side and got in.<\/p>\n
By the way, just a small sidebar \u2014 did you ever notice when you\u2019re sleeping next to a dog and shift ever so slightly, leaving a crack of unoccupied sheet, the dozing dog promptly fills it? If I take a deep breath, leaving a half inch of space, he immediately slides into it. And if I dare roll over on my side, an instantaneous and massive canine sprawl covers the vacant area, complete with paws against my back, bracing, if I try to push and regain my territory.<\/p>\n
But back to weight loss. Many years ago, I tried Dr. Stillman\u2019s diet, which consisted of drinking eight glasses of water daily, along with a mostly protein diet. I lost pounds, but I also almost sacrificed my job because I couldn\u2019t get any work done. I was always running to the bathroom.<\/p>\n
Today, companies will ship meals so that the buyer can have a disciplined eating plan. But I\u2019m a realist. Sticking to their schedule wouldn\u2019t work for me. I\u2019d eat the whole case, beginning with every dessert, promising myself that I\u2019d abstain the next day. Oh sure, I\u2019ll fast tomorrow. That\u2019ll happen.<\/p>\n
There\u2019s always the highly unusual theory that eating in the dark means no calorie intake. Let me save you the trouble. I tried it more than once. It doesn\u2019t work.<\/p>\n
How about padlocking the refrigerator door and hiding the key? Real smart. I\u2019m the one who hid the darn thing. And I cheat.<\/p>\n
So now I\u2019m eating 95 percent protein. Unsalted peanuts, chicken; forget carbohydrates. I\u2019ve ignored the eight glasses of water for the aforementioned reason.<\/p>\n
And I\u2019m walking in circles around the coffee table.<\/p>\n
But I must be doing something right. My pants can almost cover my stomach \u2014 a very significant event and cause for celebration. Another good sign, the bakery called and wanted to know where I\u2019d been, their donut inventory was not shrinking like it used to.<\/p>\n
And finally I had enough sense to talk to the expert. My doctor is slim and athletic. \u201cWhat\u2019s your secret?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cDiet and laps,\u201d he said. \u201cI do lots of laps.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThirty a day enough?\u201d<\/p>\n
He nodded. \u201cMore than enough. Less if you like.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI do 40.\u201d<\/p>\n
He shook his head. \u201cWow, you do 40 laps? You\u2019re an iron man.\u201d<\/p>\n
I nod modestly, but now I\u2019m encouraged and decide to double my workout production. I\u2019m heading over to the furniture store to begin a regimen of laps around all the coffee tables. I\u2019m sure the manager will understand. Heck, he may even join me. He looks like he could lose a couple of pounds too.<\/p>\n
Ted Alexander lives in Asheville. His second novel, \u201cAfter & Before,\u201d has just been released and is available at Malaprop\u2019s Bookstore\/Caf\u00e9 and online book retailers.<\/b><\/p>\n
Ted Alexander lives in Asheville. <\/span>Contact him at TedMAlexander.com\/contact<\/a>.<\/p>\n Learn more about the author and the novels online at TedMAlexander.com\/Books.html<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Asheville Citizen-Times 10\/28\/2015 – Ted Alexander, Columnist – Uh oh.<\/p>\n<\/a>","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_hide_featured_image":false,"_jetpack_featured_image_duplicate_dismissed":0,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-281","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","category-asheville-citizen-times-articles","h-entry","hentry"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7iRM4-4x","jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/281","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=281"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/281\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":283,"href":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/281\/revisions\/283"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=281"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=281"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=281"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}