![\"Casey,](\"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/06\/Cassie-Irish-Setter.jpg\" "\\"Casey,")
<\/a>Casey, did you eat all the donuts?<\/p><\/div>\n
My brother walked into the kitchen of our mother\u2019s home where he was house-sitting. \u201cWhen did you get here?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cCouple of minutes ago. I\u2019m making the coffee for breakfast.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat happened to the donuts?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat donuts?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cA dozen of them. Assorted. They were there next to the sink.\u201d<\/p>\n
I walked over and inspected the area. It was shiny clean. \u201cNothing.\u201d<\/p>\n
My brother shook his head. \u201cThey were here. And it wasn\u2019t Casey \u2014 he could never reach that far back on the counter.\u201d He hesitated. \u201cMaybe I should call someone.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWho, the donut police?\u201d<\/p>\n
He shook his head. \u201cWell, it\u2019s crazy, but we\u2019ll figure it out. They didn\u2019t just walk out the door. I\u2019ll go into town and get us some more.\u201d He left.<\/p>\n
I looked over at Casey, my mother\u2019s Irish setter, who was snoring in the corner of the kitchen. He felt my gaze, lazily opened one eye, sighed and rolled over on his side.<\/p>\n
I moved across the kitchen and sat down, cross-legged, opposite him. He immediately jumped up so that we were facing each other, our noses inches apart. His tongue was out and he softly panted, \u201cHah, hah, hah.\u201d<\/p>\n
Instead of the usual Purina Dog Chow breath, I detected the scent of glazed donuts and cardboard.<\/p>\n
\u201cI know what you did,\u201d I said quietly.<\/p>\n
Casey stared at me. \u201cHah, hah, hah,\u201d the soft panting continuing.<\/p>\n
\u201cDid you have to eat them all?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHah, hah, hah.\u201d He\u2019s drooling a little.<\/p>\n
\u201cDid you have to lick the counter too? I know you did it. It\u2019s never been that clean before.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHah, hah, hah.\u201d<\/p>\n
And Casey knew I knew what he knew.<\/p>\n
My brother had forgotten that Casey had great jumping ability. I\u2019d seen him in action flying over a fence, so I had a good idea what happened in the kitchen. Best guess: He lunged forward on his hind legs, and after a few attempts, using his nose, managed to knock the box of donuts to the floor. Then in an exhibition that would cause Martha Stewart to recoil and shriek in horror, he devoured every doughnut AND the box in less than two minutes. In a soaring grand finale, the counter was cleansed with jumping, mid-air licks searching for powdered sugar.<\/p>\n
But instead of being angry, I had sympathy for the poor guy. That\u2019s because I have dog thoughts, too. Actually, I think I\u2019m more canine than human. I would\u2019ve thoroughly enjoyed wolfing down the entire box of donuts myself, and in less than a minute, easily beating Casey\u2019s world-record time.<\/p>\n
But I\u2019m too civilized to attempt something like that.<\/p>\n
Really?<\/p>\n
Maybe. After leaving my brother, I headed to the Dunkin Donuts on Merrimon Avenue for gas and more coffee. I love the java, but I\u2019m insane about the racks of donuts smiling back at me. They\u2019re so tempting that I\u2019ve often wondered if before entering the store, I shouldn\u2019t put on the plastic \u201ccone of shame,\u201d collar that dogs wear around their necks to prevent them from licking wounds. I mean, then I could focus exclusively on my server and avoid visual contact with the trays of donuts, left and right.<\/p>\n
Problem is, some waiting customers might be deeply disturbed seeing me decked out in the plastic-cone collar and stampede trying to get away.<\/p>\n
Instead, I decided to become an adult for a change. I would stay centered on whoever was taking my order. Eyes to eyes, no visual wandering to the doughnut racks. Yes, I tell myself as I enter the store, I will be focused on my waiter alone. I\u2019ll be a man with horse blinders \u2014 my eyes never leaving my server\u2019s face.<\/p>\n
Minutes later, I marched out of the store with coffee locked in one hand. Well done, I think as I approach the car, doughnut-less.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m pleased. I truly am a man. I\u2019m in control. I\u2019m not a dog.<\/p>\n
I step into the car, close the door, turn on the engine, turn on the radio, sit, turn off the radio, turn off the engine, open the door and run back into the store to get a couple of donuts. Maybe three. But I have to positively draw the line at four.<\/p>\n
Having demolished five donuts on the way back to the car, I look in the rear-view mirror at the crumbs on my face. I am a dog.<\/p>\n
The good news is that when I got home later in the morning, there were three random, bonus, weekend donuts on the counter.<\/p>\n
What a pleasant surprise.<\/p>\n
Gonzo. Down the hatch.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m stuffed, but no worries. No one\u2019s home. No one will know.<\/p>\n
I figure I\u2019ll just lie down on the couch for a few minutes and maybe doze off.<\/p>\n
Minutes later, I hear my wife in the kitchen. She walks into the living room, over to the couch and sits cross-legged facing me. \u201cI know what you did,\u201d she says quietly.<\/p>\n
And she knew I knew what she knew.<\/p>\n
\u201cDid you have to eat them all?\u201d<\/p>\n
I sit up so that we are facing each other, our noses inches apart. I\u2019m nervous and guilty, but innocently shake my head no, all the time, hyperventilating softly, \u201cHah, hah, hah.\u201d I think my tongue is out.<\/p>\n
She stands and heads back to the kitchen. \u201cWell, at least you didn\u2019t lick the counter.\u201d<\/p>\n
I lie down again, a contented smile crossing my face.<\/p>\n
Little does she know.<\/p>\n
Ted Alexander lives in Asheville. His second novel, \u201cAfter & Before,\u201d will be released this summer.<\/span><\/p>\n Ted Alexander lives in Asheville. His first novel, \u201cThe Fall of Summer,\u201d a 1960s coming-of-age story, is now on sale at Malaprop\u2019s Bookstore\/Cafe<\/a> and other online and local retailers. Learn more about the author and the novels online at Asheville Citizen-Times 6\/16\/2015 – Ted Alexander, Columnist – My brother walked into the kitchen of our mother\u2019s home where he was house-sitting.<\/p>\n<\/a>","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_hide_featured_image":false,"_jetpack_featured_image_duplicate_dismissed":0,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-260","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","category-asheville-citizen-times-articles","h-entry","hentry"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7iRM4-4c","jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/260","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=260"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/260\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":264,"href":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/260\/revisions\/264"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=260"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=260"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=260"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\nHis second novel, \u201cAfter & Before,\u201d will be released this summer.
\nContact him at TedMAlexander.com\/contact<\/a>.<\/p>\n
\nhttp:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/Books.html<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"