![\"\"](\"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/12\/Bear.jpg\")
<\/a>If it comes to a stare down, should I let the bear win? (Photo: Special to the Citizen-Times)<\/p><\/div>\n
My wife likes to garden. We walk a couple miles each morning, and she shares the formal name of every plant or bush we pass on our daily trek.<\/p>\n
\u201cLook, there on the left, Pinus strobus.\u201d She points excitedly at a tree.
\nIt looks like an everyday pine to me. Z-z-z-z-z …<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd over here on the right, Hydrangea aborescens. A beautiful and hardy shrub.\u201d She glances back over her shoulder. \u201cAre you looking?\u201d<\/p>\n
Z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z …<\/p>\n
Whoa. Whoa. Wait a minute. Now, I am looking and not at all pleased with what I see. \u201cB-b-b-b-b-b …\u201d I\u2019m having trouble enunciating.<\/p>\n
Thirty or 40 yards away on the left side of the road is a 400-pound black bear. I stop and point at the creature.<\/p>\n
My wife halts as her eyes follow the direction of my finger. \u201cOh him, Ursus Americanus.\u201d<\/p>\n
I look wildly around. \u201cWe better run-us.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe\u2019s no danger. I know that for a fact.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, that\u2019s good news.\u201d I breathe a sigh of relief. Yet there\u2019s one nagging question in the corner of my mind. When did she become a premier zoologist specializing in wildlife behavior?<\/p>\n
\u201cHe\u2019ll take off. Bears are jumpy,\u201d my wife adds.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat if he decides to jump in this direction?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe won\u2019t. At least I don\u2019t think he will.\u201d<\/p>\n
Wait a second. Just a quick minute here. How did \u201cHe\u2019s no danger. I know that for a fact,\u201d change into \u201cAt least I don\u2019t think he will,\u201d in just 30 seconds?\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m very nervous as I continue to watch Mr. Bear watch me. I\u2019m locked on him with laser-like precision. He\u2019s firing an intense glare back. As I focus on his face, I\u2019m certain I can see what he\u2019s considering. In a thought-bubble over his head, he\u2019s sitting at a kitchen table, one paw holding a knife, the other, a fork, with a bib tucked around his neck. He\u2019s drooling.<\/p>\n
And he continues to stare.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat we have to do,\u201d my wife says quietly, now seemingly in complete control of the situation, \u201cis raise our arms over our heads, make ourselves physically bigger, taller, and yell and whistle while we jump up and down. That\u2019ll scare him away.\u201d<\/p>\n
I follow my wife\u2019s lead and yell while I\u2019m jumping up and down and waving my arms. I have a grave fear I\u2019m turning into Richard Simmons.<\/p>\n
The bear doesn\u2019t move.<\/p>\n
Thirty seconds later, I quit. \u201cIf I was him, I\u2019d attack just to shut us up.\u201d
\n\u201cThat\u2019s because you don\u2019t know how bears think.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know how they think when they\u2019re hungry.\u201d<\/p>\n
Mr. Bear takes a step toward us.<\/p>\n
\u201cDid you see what he just did? Did you see that?\u201d I immediately resume the Richard Simmons\u2019 \u201cParty off the Pounds\u201d workout.<\/p>\n
Mr. Bear stops and tilts his head to the side as if he was evaluating us, trying to figure out what bizarre animal planet we\u2019re from.<\/p>\n
He takes another step in our direction.<\/p>\n
\u201cAre you watching? Did you see that?\u201d I\u2019m now rapidly moon walking backwards. I\u2019m smoking up the road leaving the ghost of Michael Jackson in a cloud of dust.<\/p>\n
My wife says, \u201cHe\u2019s just stretching.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy is he stretching in our direction? Why can\u2019t he stretch in another direction?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause bears don\u2019t think that way. They just do whatever is instinctive. He can outrun us anyway.\u201d She pauses and offers a ghoulish smile. \u201cBut he\u2019ll only want to attack one \u2014 either you or me \u2014 so whoever can run the fastest, lives.\u201d<\/p>\n
The gallows humor is not at all amusing because we both know she was a sprinter in college.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m thinking we\u2019re on borrowed time and have got to get away immediately. Suddenly a brilliant idea! I turn to my wife. \u201cYou\u2019re a botanist. Can\u2019t you find some roots or leaves somewhere that will anesthetize him?\u201d<\/p>\n
She glances in my direction. \u201cExcuse me?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou know, when some bears are tagged they\u2019re anesthetized first and become unconscious. Can\u2019t you find some roots and stuff that will knock him out?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIf I found them, what should I do next, go up and feed him?\u201d<\/p>\n
Now that\u2019s an exciting concept. It would give me an amazing opportunity for a clean getaway.<\/p>\n
\u201cOf course not. How could you even suggest such a thing?\u201d I frown, one eye on her, one eye remaining on Mr. Still-Staring-at-Me Bear.<\/p>\n
And then he was gone. Suddenly for no reason I could see, he ran down a bank and into the trees.<\/p>\n
\u201cUrsus Americanus,\u201d my wife says. \u201cNo problem.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe should run-us out of here-us,\u201d I said, taking off, my head doing a 360-degree Linda Blair \u201cExorcist\u201d rotation on full alert for the hiding predator.<\/p>\n
At home, my wife says, \u201cThat was close, but we made it.\u201d<\/p>\n
Bearly.<\/p>\n
Ted Alexander lives in Asheville. His first novel, \u201cThe Fall of Summer,\u201d a 1960s coming-of-age story, is now available at Malaprop\u2019s Bookstore\/Cafe and online retailers. Contact him at tedmalexander@gmail.com.<\/p>\n
MEET THE AUTHOR Asheville Citizen-Times 12\/24\/2014 – My wife likes to garden.<\/p>\n<\/a>","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_hide_featured_image":false,"_jetpack_featured_image_duplicate_dismissed":0,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-220","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","category-asheville-citizen-times-articles","h-entry","hentry"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7iRM4-3y","jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/220","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=220"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/220\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":224,"href":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/220\/revisions\/224"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=220"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=220"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=220"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\nTed Alexander will be reading and signing his first novel, \u201cThe Fall of Summer,\u201d at 3 p.m. Jan. 11 at Malaprop\u2019s Bookstore\/Cafe, 55 Haywood St., in Asheville. The event is free; books will be for sale. Learn more about the author and the novel online at http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/Books.html<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"