![\"(Photo:](\"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/08\/Mayberry.png\")
<\/a>(Photo: Special to the Citizen-Times)<\/p><\/div>\n
Somewhere along the way I turned from Mr. Excitement, Mr. Ben and Jerry\u2019s hundred-plus flavors, into Mr. Vanilla. How\u2019d that happen? \u201cExcuse me,\u201d I ask at the ice cream counter, \u201cis that fat free? Sugar free?\u201d At a bar, \u201cI\u2019m looking for alcohol-free beer.\u201d At a restaurant, \u201cIs the lettuce rinsed? Wonderful, I\u2019ll be totally bacteria free.\u201d<\/p>\n
These days my idea of a big time is watching reruns of \u201cThe Andy Griffith Show\u201d and sipping a decaf, zero-fat, extra foam, ultra-skinny, mini-latte.<\/p>\n
What happened to those gallon-of-beer nights with a steak that was so rare it galloped to the table, followed by a wedge of cheesecake that supersaturated my arteries in one sitting? When did I become so, ah … delicate?<\/p>\n
\u201cYou know, I\u2019ve been thinking…\u201d my wife said during dinner.<\/p>\n
Uh oh, red alert. Thinking can never be good. \u201cReally?\u201d I replied, a friendly, inquisitive smile neatly masking my concern.<\/p>\n
\u201cYes. I thought it would be fun to go out and rent a movie for a change. It gets kind of dull around here with just Andy and Barney on the screen every night.\u201d<\/p>\n
Mr. Vanilla\u2019s programming dull? I looked closely at her. She was serious. \u201cBut we don\u2019t do video stores. Most of them are gone anyway \u2014 plus we can never agree on a movie.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThere are a couple of places around, and I\u2019m sure we could see eye to eye on just one DVD,\u201d she said. \u201cI\u2019m willing to compromise.\u201d<\/p>\n
Compromise? Compromise? What\u2019s that? Following Andy Griffith was \u201cThe Dick Van Dyke Show.\u201d \u201cIt\u2019s a good idea,\u201d I said, \u201cbut with our track record, a trip to the store doesn\u2019t make sense. We should accept that we have different tastes in movies and leave it at that.\u201d I dismissed the idea of going anywhere.<\/p>\n
And that takes care of that, I thought, secretly congratulating myself for my ability to understand the nuances of a potentially volatile situation, to neatly cut-off any attempt at logic and achieve precisely the end result that was good for me alone. Beautifully done.<\/p>\n
Once we arrived at the video store, my wife suggested we focus on categories that appeal to both of us \u2014 comedy, foreign, new releases.<\/p>\n
\u201cDon\u2019t talk to me about foreign films,\u201d I said, \u201cI can\u2019t read subtitles and watch at the same time.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen a comedy or new release it is,\u201d she replied.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd comedy it will be,\u201d I said reaching for \u201cMalice in the Palace,\u201d starring The Three Stooges.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd don\u2019t even think about it,\u201d she replied, grabbing the trio and setting them back on the shelf.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s comedy,\u201d I protested.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, that\u2019s adolescence.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cPerfect,\u201d I stated.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m afraid so,\u201d she answered.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, then, let\u2019s take a look at the new releases,\u201d I suggested as we walked past the exercise section featuring posters of straining skeletons in pastel workout leotards.<\/p>\n
\u201cHow about \u2018Before Midnight\u2019?\u201d she suggested.<\/p>\n
\u201cNope, too romantic. Hey, look what I found,\u201d I said, holding up a misplaced DVD and taking a long shot. \u201cDirty Harry.\u201d<\/p>\n
She offered up \u201cthe look,\u201d then lifted \u201cThe Great Gatsby\u201d from the shelf.<\/p>\n
I shook my head. \u201cNot even close.\u201d Trying a new approach, I said: \u201cYou know The Three Stooges have some romantic moments and\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t think three grown men poking each other in the eyes for 90 minutes is romantic.\u201d<\/p>\n
As we drove home, movieless, with a take-out, hold the pepperoni, hold the sausage, hold the meatball, hold the onions, light cheese, thin-crust, organic vegetable pizza cooling in the backseat, I tried to minimize the disagreement.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m going to take a bath and read in bed,\u201d my wife said as we entered the house.<\/p>\n
No minimization on the horizon.<\/p>\n
I ate a slice of the cardboard pizza, watched a 30-minute Andy Griffith episode, then turned off the TV. I may be dumb, but I\u2019m not crazy. I drove back into town, rented six James Bond movies \u2014 which made perfect sense because each contained a romantic scene or two \u2014 and then in a wild and daring move, made another stop for six pints of assorted Ben and Jerry\u2019s fully loaded ice cream.<\/p>\n
At home, I built a DVD\/ice cream pyramid right outside the closed bedroom door, then knocked.<\/p>\n
Nothing.<\/p>\n
I opened the door. Hey, baby, Mr. Vanilla has left the building and Mr. Excitement is back in town!<\/p>\n
A slight problem: It was 9 p.m. and Mrs. Excitement was in dreamland.<\/p>\n
Timing is everything.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Asheville Citizen-Times 08\/25\/2014 – When did my life get so bland that a trip to the video store is a dose of excitement?<\/p>\n<\/a>","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_hide_featured_image":false,"_jetpack_featured_image_duplicate_dismissed":0,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-189","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","category-asheville-citizen-times-articles","h-entry","hentry"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7iRM4-33","jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/189","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=189"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/189\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":194,"href":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/189\/revisions\/194"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=189"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=189"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=189"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}