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<\/a>If you\u2019re setting up a grill, note that the flames once it\u2019s turned on should be at the top, not underneath.
(Photo: Special to the Citizen-Times)<\/p><\/div>\n
The first red flag was the outside salesman. According to the badge his name was Rex, but he looked like an Elvis wannabe \u2014 gold aviator sunglasses, black pompadour, half-grin. The second note of caution was that the price was low even for a discount store.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou look like a very smart guy,\u201d Rex said, firing off a hunk, a hunk of burning love in my direction. \u201cThis is the best sale price I\u2019ve ever seen. And look at the size of this baby. It\u2019s a man\u2019s grill. No veggie burgers for this sucker. You can cook sides of beef. Plus it can be assembled very quickly, give or take a few minutes.\u201d He glanced at his watch. \u201cYou\u2019ll be done by dinnertime.\u201d<\/p>\n
He backed off one yard, and continued to stare at me, unblinking \u2014 nothing but a hound dog waiting for the master to toss him a bone.<\/p>\n
The low price and \u201cman\u2019s grill\u201d pitch had my attention, but I think it was the \u201cYou look like a very smart guy,\u201d that clinched the deal. No one had ever said that to me before \u2014 actually quite the opposite.<\/p>\n
And because my wife was convinced that she was married to the Fred Flintstone of home handiness, I wanted to demonstrate that I was capable of handling a big-league project.<\/p>\n
Back at the house, it started to rain so I decided to piece the grill together in the den. I quickly discovered that 75 parts had to be assembled.<\/p>\n
The instructions consisted of a tissue-thin 8-inch by-8-inch piece of paper. One side had tiny instructions in Chinese that were covered with ink smudges. The flip side was a fuzzy explosion chart graphically demonstrating how the different parts were interconnected to create the grill.<\/p>\n
Rex had told me it could be assembled by dinnertime, give or take a few minutes. He just never mentioned which day or that I had to be bilingual.<\/p>\n
Forty-eight hours later, now in clean shorts and T-shirt, I was pleased that the job was at last completed. I invited my wife to take a look.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s a very large grill,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n
\u201cPerfect if we have a lot of guests,\u201d I observed.<\/p>\n
\u201cIs it supposed to sway?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s an optical illusion.\u201d Very quick thinking on my part.<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay, one last question Dr. Einstein, how are you going to get it outside?<\/p>\n
\u201cThrough the door, how else?<\/p>\n
\u201cLooks like a tight squeeze to me.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at the doorway. I looked at the grill. I looked at the doorway. I looked at the grill \u201cNah, no problem.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou sure?\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at the doorway. I looked at the grill. I looked at the doorway. I looked at the grill. \u201cI may have to remove a part or two. I\u2019ll call you when I\u2019m ready.\u201d<\/p>\n
Six hours later the grill was on the patio and my wife was back.<\/p>\n
\u201cAny reason you have parts left over?\u201d she asked.<\/p>\n
I kicked the three pieces into the weeds. \u201cClearly a factory packing malfunction,\u201d I stated.<\/p>\n
It was time for the moment I had been waiting for, the miracle of controlled combustion. I turned on the propane and then placed a match to the burner beneath the grating.<\/p>\n
P-F-O-O-O-O-M, a giant blue flame shot out a foot below the grill. In what will one day be recognized as a major beauty spa breakthrough, my legs were completely hairless in less than a second.<\/p>\n
I knew what to do in the face of catastrophe.<\/p>\n
Run.<\/p>\n
I leapt over a fence and was 50 yards away when the all-clear whistle sounded. My wife had simply closed the valve of the propane tank and then walked back inside the house.<\/p>\n
I called the store. \u201cLet me speak to Elvis.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cRex, pick up on line one.\u201d<\/p>\n
I explained how annoyed I was with the lousy instructions and the rogue blue flame that had super-waxed my legs.<\/p>\n
\u201cDon\u2019t be cruel, man. Get some liquid bubble stuff the kids use and splash it around. Where you see the bubbles, it\u2019s a gas leak. Fix it.\u201d<\/p>\n
I picked up the solution, returned home and walked into the backyard where my wife was happily grilling veggie burgers, humiliating the man\u2019s grill. \u201cHi,\u201d she said, \u201cthe fitting on the regulator hose was leaking. I tightened and sealed it.\u201d<\/p>\n
It\u2019s all Elvis\u2019 fault. If I hadn\u2019t been all shook up with the assembly instructions, I would have gotten the grill together by dinnertime\u2026give or take a few minutes.<\/p>\n
This is the opinion of Ted Alexander, who lives in Asheville. His first novel is scheduled for release later this spring.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Asheville Citizen-Times 06\/08\/2014 – Columnist Ted Alexander buys a manly gas grill from an Elvis wannabe and quickly loses his manly leg hair.<\/p>\n<\/a>","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_hide_featured_image":false,"_jetpack_featured_image_duplicate_dismissed":0,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-173","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","category-asheville-citizen-times-articles","h-entry","hentry"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7iRM4-2N","jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/173","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=173"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/173\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":177,"href":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/173\/revisions\/177"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=173"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=173"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/tedmalexander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=173"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
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