Asheville Citizen-Times 01\/26\/2014 –<\/p>\n
I never try on pants in a store. Men don\u2019t. But now I\u2019m trapped. A wedding is approaching and I need a new suit. I offer to forget the ceremony.<\/p>\n
I lose. Earth and Mars could be locked in a galactic laser battle, cities like Dallas pulverized with each colossal blast, and I\u2019d still be going to the wedding. It\u2019s a woman thing.<\/p>\n
Saturday morning, I approach the combination dry cleaner\/tailor to have my pants altered. I walk inside and face a counter that extends wall-to-wall across the middle of the store. A long line of sleepy people reaches to the door, each individual with a bundle of dirty laundry under one arm and a Starbucks in their free hand.<\/p>\n
On the wall to the right of the line is the changing room. It resembles a wider, deeper voting booth. I step inside and pull the floor-length curtain closed.<\/p>\n
With a little speed I figure I\u2019ll finish in ten minutes: tailor in; tailor out. I remove my jeans. I push my left leg into the new trousers, but when I attempt to slide my right leg forward, my big toe gets caught in the lining and I begin to lose balance. I desperately try to grab hold of something\u2014anything\u2014but only grasp air!<\/p>\n
With the pant\u2019s fabric jammed between my first and second toes, wild-eyed, overweight, half out of my pants, I uncontrollably hop sideways, crashing through the curtains like a deranged kangaroo. I plow through the line of people, scattering them like bowling pins, before I collide with the far wall and collapse to the floor.<\/p>\n
I free my toe and pull my pants up. \u201cSorry, everyone,\u201d I mumble as I step over the spilled coffee and hurry to my safe haven behind the curtain.<\/p>\n
People believe that if they can\u2019t see me, I can\u2019t hear them. The laughter begins. \u201cHey, did you see that guy?\u201d \u201cMario, lend me your security tape so I can put it on YouTube.\u201d<\/p>\n
I slide open the curtain and take a deep bow that is greeted by applause, more laughter, and a couple of handshakes and back slaps.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m sorry I\u2019m becoming an urban legend, but even sorrier I was wearing the red-heart boxer shorts my wife gave me on Valentine\u2019s Day.<\/p>\n
The tailor comes by. After he pins the pants, he says, \u201cYou took a funny fall. You had a Rocket Splashdown.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cA Rocket Splashdown?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou go flying in the air,\u201d he flaps his arms like a bird, \u201cthen land in the spilled coffee.\u201d He imitates the sound of a huge splash, complete with flickering fingers indicating the force of the spray.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, I see.\u201d I thank him for his creative reenactment of my misfortune.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve changed back into my jeans and am ready to leave. The last man in line has just finished dropping off his dry cleaning. He looks at me. \u201cToo bad about the hearts on the boxer shorts.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, yeah. I have to wear them once in a while.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThey from your wife?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWho else?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI thought maybe a girlfriend.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDo I look like I have a girlfriend?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cExcellent point. I got the same pair from my wife. Valentine\u2019s Day. You know, it\u2019s a woman thing.<\/p>\n
I nod. \u201cSame as weddings.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cExactly. Anyway, the shorts were good for the Rocket Splashdown.\u201d<\/p>\n
He overheard the tailor! Now I\u2019m growing concerned. Two men have called my fall a Rocket Splashdown. Forget the astronauts, I fear I\u2019m becoming generic\u2014synonymous with a thundering, embarrassing crash. Suddenly I\u2019m afraid that when people Google Rocket Splashdown, they\u2019ll find a picture of me in mid-air trying to hold my pants up. I\u2019ll be universally humiliated!<\/p>\n
\u201cActually, it\u2019s not so bad,\u201d my new best friend says. \u201cRocket Splashdown sounds like a professional wrestling move and you could say you invented it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t understand.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou tell everyone you created a signature wrestling maneuver called the Rocket Splashdown. Fans will know it was you. You could get on TV. It\u2019s a win-win.\u201d<\/p>\n
This guy is a genius. I\u2019m an inventor like Thomas Edison. I study him. \u201cI understand the first win of a win-win is being on TV, but what\u2019s the second win?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cPeople will forget that you looked like Jackie Gleason skipping across a bed of hot coals.\u201d<\/p>\n
Later, at home, I explain to my wife what happened and categorically state that I could not have been the first man to fall through the curtain.<\/p>\n
She looks at me with her head cocked to the side. \u201cOh, I think you were. You\u2019re special.\u201d<\/p>\n
Okay. Okay. Maybe I was the first one, but at least I\u2019m special. I feel much better. I\u2019m thinking career change\u2014professional wrestling circuit for me. I attempt a Bruce Lee Flying Crescent Kick that very nearly results in an unintended Rocket Splashdown.<\/p>\n
She watches. \u201cYou are special.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m pleased. My wife recognizes talent. It\u2019s a woman thing.<\/p>\n